When to shut up

I admit it, I am an AWESOME MOM! Not just an awesome mom, but a FREAKING AWESOME MOM. No, really I am. Of course, it isn't hard to be head and shoulders over some of the "competition." Many people have told me I should write a book on how to parent. These comments come from all walks of life, elderly people, fellow parents, teens, adults who hate children, adults who love children and hope to have them someday. I used to think that what I could say would barely fill a pamphlet, let alone a book. I mean it is all [my advice] pretty straight forward. Then as I look closer I realize that a book from me would not be well received. Most people simply are not REALLY willing to parent their children. They want to be friends with their children.

I have a friend with a child the same age as my youngest. She is creating a monster, quite honestly. She isn't getting enough sleep because she gets up with the child multiple times a night. She isn't willing to let her husband get the child or to let the child self-soothe back to sleep. She can't stand to see or hear her child cry. She is teaching her child that by crying anything that is desired will be given. She asks me "What can I do?" I begin to tell her exactly what I would do. And have done. I am an awesome mom because I have made mistakes, continue to make mistakes, but strive to learn from them and get better all the time. Before getting more than a sentence out of my mouth she is telling me that it won't work. Um, you haven't heard my advice in even a reduced form. I realize that she doesn't really want to know how to fix it, she wants me to pat her shoulder and tell her that everybody goes through this and it gets better. Blah, blah, blah. Ok, so smile and nod, how's that working out for you dear? On the verge of tears all the time because you are completely overexhausted and haven't had a moment without your child with you in nearly two years? Oh, yeah. It's working well. I'll shut up then.

I love this friend very much and wanted to help her. The only way I know to truly help her is to offer advice on what has worked for me. I have a pretty good track record remember? 6 kids, very well behaved (and that is not simply a biased mommy talking). I spent a day nearly sick to my stomach trying to figure out how to "help" her. Then I asked myself "What would my husband's advice on this issue be?"

His advice would be, tell her once (check) then ever after when she brought up these issues tell her that we had talked about it and I had nothing further to add and there was no need to talk about it again and to move on to other topics. It sounds harsh but oh it is so freeing! I have taken this advice when it comes to my father. He used to complain to me during every phone call or visit how much trouble it was causing to have my adult brother living in their home. I told him to kick my brother out and change the locks. Jerry told me that he couldn't change the locks because two of my sisters regularly come by when they are out of town to check on the cats. Ok. Give the girls the new keys but not my brother. My advice. Period. They can't make my brother pay rent, help with the household maintence or chores, so if it is that problematic, kick him out. Period. Two weeks later my father called. He started to complain about my brother. I asked, "Did you change the locks?" No. Ok. No new information, no need to talk about it further. A bit over two years later, my brother still lives there, but I haven't heard anything about it from my father since. A beautiful thing, beautiful! (Understand that I love my brother alot, but being firm is the thing that shows the most love.)

So, yep, when it comes to this friend, it is time to shut up.